Monday, February 7, 2011

Breaking the myths of single parenthood.

Written by: Kalediscope

It took me awhile to write this post because I didn’t want to make it personal.  I wanted to be charming and witty and make folks ‘lol’ when they read my words.  I’ve deleted my words four different times because nothing was flowing right.  

So now I write.

It is very hard breaking the myths of single parenthood because I’m in the throws of it.  That is why this post is so difficult.  Let me be clear this is not how I saw my life.  Freshman year at Tuskegee University I had BIG plans for myself, none of which included my current situation.  But I fell in ‘love’ with a boy and didn’t bother to insist on a condom and POOF! I am now a mama.  My drafting/interior design dreams have been pushed to the side because I no longer come first.  Yes there are times where I feel myself falling into the deep abyss of depression and self righteousness because of the choices I’ve made but I fight it.  With everything I have.  Fight or perish is how one of my close friends described it.  And that’s what I do.

I am not bitter.  I am not angry.  I am not a gum poppin, roller set wearing, state assisted (nothing wrong with it) main character in a Tyler Perry film type of baby mother.   Quite the contrary matter of fact.  I am established (I’d like to think), house, crossover SUV, education and a side hustle.  The American Dream in a size 14 (you should be lol-ing).  But I made a bad decision; one that brought me the greatest gift, my greatest achievement.  Babygirl is the best thing I have ever done.  Put that on my life.  And I never knew unconditional love until her.  

But I am also a statistic.

I am struggling, well by media standards I am.  I have reached a point in my life where I need help; physically, financially and mentally.  No I am not ‘a welfare queen’ I maintain my lifestyle very well on my own.  I would like to do more as I get older and right now my finances don’t allow for that.  Dating is difficult because I have a girlchild and I cannot just let her get  close to any/every man so there is a process.  Right now I am looking for employment, there are rules for that.  I can only work within a certain radius of my home because I have school hours to consider.  So everything I do my child is the center of my decisions.  Like I said I’m not bitter just aware.  I’m a Virgo so I over-analyze anyway.  Always thinking two steps ahead.  

Her father on the other hand, I do not know what I was thinking but the past is just that and I’m leaving it where it belongs, however, the choices he makes, the way he behaves causes me to go to my ugly place.  I will not use this to bash him I will simply say this: My daughter is my life, to him she’s just an option.  Do I want him to be more active in her life?  Of course, no doubt, but that is something that he’s going to have to realize on his own.  I can only pray for him.  And deal with him solely on a parental basis.  I do not ‘keep her from him’.  He does not always respect me and I often have to take the high road in certain situations.  But I do whatever I have to to make sure my daughter is in love with her father.  I don’t talk down about him in front of her, I do everything I can to include him in school functions and such, I make sure he looks like he could do no wrong.  In my opinion, no matter what he does to me, it should not effect his relationship with her.  I only wish he felt the same way.

Maybe I sound like a quintessential babymom but so be it.  It’s all fun and games until the baby comes along.  Then true colors are revealed.

No woman/man is meant to do this alone.  Children should be raised as a family; nuclear or otherwise.  My daughter is lucky enough to have her great grandparent in her life who is instrumental in her upbringing.  But yes, I would like to be married and have more children.  I want to have someone to come home to, to cook for and just be a family.  The older I get, the better I get at being a single parent the more I begin to understand that I need help.  These young girls boasting about how they don’t need a man are lying to themselves.  Every (heterosexual) woman needs a man especially in the black family structure.  The sooner we as a culture begin to embrace this fact things will begin to turn around.  Yeah yeah I know I’m on a soapbox but, hell it’s needs to be said.  I hate feeling like a statistic because I got to birthday parties/school functions alone.  I just want to make it known, this is from a mind of a single parent someone sharing their thought process so hopefully you won’t have to go through it.  Like Hov.

Do you want to be a guest blogger? Do you have a story to tell? email us at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Tell us what you think?